Orgasm

It is absolutely possible that you could have an orgasm with intercourse even if you have never had one before. Your letter conveys that you perhaps think of yourself as over-the-hill; in fact, many women become more orgasmic as they age, often due to hormonal factors such as changes in birth control, childbearing and approaching menopause.

The first thing to ask yourself is whether you are orgasmic with any type of stimulation. If you have never had an orgasm, I think most sex therapists would agree with me that the first step to having an orgasm during intercourse is to learn to pleasure yourself.

If you are already orgasmic with masturbation, hand stimulation by a partner or oral sex, you can learn to transfer this ability to intercourse. One of the main barriers that holds women back from being orgasmic during intercourse is a weak pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is the muscle that surrounds the opening of the vagina and supports the pelvic floor. It is also the muscle that spasms when you have an orgasm. If your PC muscle is weak, it may be difficult for it to spasm when there is any object in your vagina. To strengthen your PC muscle, do Kegel exercises (alternately squeeze and relax the PC muscle several times a day).

I also recommend a two-step program to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse. First, masturbate using a dildo or vibrator. Choose one that is semi-flexible. Stimulate your clitoris with one hand and stroke your vagina with the dildo. Insert the dildo into your vagina and squeeze and relax your PC muscle around it as you slowly and sensuously insert and remove the dildo. Continue to stimulate your clitoris and masturbate to orgasm with the dildo inside you. For step two, do the same exercise with your partner. Offer to give him a massage and have him lie on his back. Stimulate his penis and when he is erect, use his penis the same way you used the dildo. Insert his penis and squeeze your PC muscle around it. Use your fingers and masturbate yourself to orgasm while your partner is inside you. Sex therapists call this a "bridge maneuver" -- you are using your ability to stimulate yourself to orgasm as a bridge to being able to climax with intercourse.

Another thing that has helped a lot of women learn to be orgasmic during intercourse is to pay attention to positions and their variations. We now know that there are many areas of the female anatomy in which orgasm can be triggered. It's not just the clitoris anymore. Two areas inside the vagina that can be orgasm-triggers are the G-spot (a highly sensitive area on the upper front wall of the vagina) and the cul-de-sac (the highly sensitive area behind the cervix). Modify your sexual positions to take advantage of these areas.

For example, if you modify the "missionary position" so that you tilt your pelvis and bring your legs up toward your shoulders, you have now increased the access of your partner's penis to your clitoris, your G-spot and your cul-de-sac.

Perhaps I have made your ability to have an orgasm during intercourse sound as if it is a purely physical proposition. In a sex-research laboratory, orgasm is defined as a reflex that includes PC-muscle spasms and increased heart rate. Because orgasm is a physical reflex similar to a sneeze or a yawn, pelvic stimulation leading to increased blood flow is sufficient to trigger orgasm. But orgasm includes many other physical and psychological phenomena. If you respond better to more psychologically based solutions, try these.

Orgasm can include many full-body experiences such as tingling in the fingers and toes; spasms of the arms, legs and face; emotional outbursts; and psychological feelings of relief, release or even ecstasy. Some of these responses can be mimicked voluntarily and practiced during intercourse, thereby increasing your chances that they will occur spontaneously. Also, you may want to explore your own psychological makeup and determine if any of the following factors could be preventing you from having an orgasm during intercourse: embarrassment, increased vulnerability, pressure to perform in a sexual situation, lack of trust in your partner or lack of experience with your current partner, or you can use the KD Kegel Dynamic Device.

orgasm